When Did You First Abandon Yourself? The Journey Back to You
Imagine sitting in a soup of questions:
Where did I go?
What happened to me?
and not knowing where to begin.
Maybe you’re there right now. Maybe you’ve been there for years.
Close your eyes and think back, can you find when you first abandoned yourself?
Was it one sharp pivot, or was it a slow drift away from yourself: a steady stream of quiet yeses to things that didn’t align, bottling up that disquieted feeling… Everything humming along until one day...you don’t recognize the person making your choices and you resent everyone you’re making them for.
For me, I didn’t lose sight of my values when I abandoned myself. I knew them. But I was surrounded by people who didn’t share them, so I learned to compensate. I laughed off things I didn’t agree with. I made excuses for others. I sat in silence, stunned by behavior that went against everything I believed in—until that silence became my norm. Until I started to disappear.
The First Time I Left Myself
I didn’t realize it then, but my first memory is also my first moment of abandonment. I was two years old, sitting on the den floor of my grandmother’s house. Our house sat just across the field—close enough to see from her window. But I wasn’t focused on that. I was a toddler, eyes on my toys.
Suddenly, my mom and grandma rushed out the front door in a panic. My mom accidentally stepped on my fingers as she ran. I didn’t know our house was on fire. I didn’t know why they were running. I only knew I was hurting, confused, and completely alone in my pain. The air was filled with alarm. But no one came to soothe me.
Looking back, I wonder if that was the beginning of me learning to discount what my body was saying. Of internalizing that my distress was not something others would show up for.
I was like all two-year-olds, I was still learning how to regulate- not independently, but in relationship.
That moment left an imprint: my first autonomic recall, a quiet but powerful dot on my nervous system’s map. And it wasn’t the last by a long shot. I would follow those patterns for years before realizing they weren’t serving me, and breaking free.
Disowning Ourselves to Belong
As I grew, I took countless steps of self-abandonment to cling to that false sense of safety. I chose silence over truth, compliance over clarity, and relationships over self-respect. But one moment stands out.
I eloped with someone I’d only known for three months. He seemed like a knight in shining armor, someone who stood up to my father when few dared. But really, he was just another telling of the same story, another chapter in the saga of abandoning myself to feel a fleeting, empty safety that never lasted.
I remember walking down the aisle and feeling in my body something screaming, “What the hell are you doing?” But I ignored it. Again.
When the Body Sends Mixed Signals
The body doesn’t lie—but it can get confused.
Our autonomic nervous system is brilliant at detecting threats to our safety and stability. When healthy and regulated, it’s an impeccable compass. But if it’s been dysregulated for years— from early trauma, inconsistency, or chronic stress—it misfires. It may scream, “danger!” when you’re actually safe. It might whisper, “this feels familiar…” when you’re repeating self-abandoning patterns (or negative self-talk) that keeps you from thriving.
To break this cycle, you can commit to empowered self-discovery:
You can recognize your body’s cues that something needs your attention.
You can discern whether those cues are accurate (from a regulated, balanced system), or if they’re part of an old, “protective” pattern that’s actually holding you back.
Your nervous system can be re-trained. Safety can become familiar again. And your body can get back to being your trustworthy guide—not a trap. All it takes is patience, effective practices, and the right support.
The Cost of Letting Go of You
When you let go of yourself, what else do you let go of?
Maybe it’s your exercise routine or creative outlet. Maybe it’s your ambition, your boundaries, or your boldness. Maybe it’s relationships that once filled you, but suddenly feel risky to maintain because they threaten the ones that drain you.
Eventually, your body starts to pay the price. Chronic stress activates cortisol, and when cortisol spikes, metabolism crashes. Your nervous system isn’t the only thing dysregulated—your health, energy, and sense of self all take the hit.
This is how people-pleasing begins. We trade authenticity for acceptance. We silence our instincts to smooth out the room. We become chameleons, reading others so well we forget how to read ourselves. To the world, we’re all smiles; inside, our negative thoughts run amok.
Reclaiming the Abandoned Parts
Healing starts with awareness. Once we recognize where we learned to disappear and when we leave ourselves and our values behind, we can stop repeating the pattern. It often comes down to attachment wounds. Maybe your attachment style growing up was avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganized. Maybe love came with chaos. Maybe connection meant compliance. Maybe your nervous system learned early on that safety required performance.
Don’t beat yourself up. You learned what to do to feel safe and connected. And you can reclaim every part of you that was left behind.
Start by asking:
When did I first feel the need to be smaller to stay safe?
What choices am I making that don’t reflect who I am?
Where in my body do I feel resistance or alignment when I make decisions?
When we learn to honor our body’s wisdom and retrain its signals, we start rewriting the story and empowering ourselves.
Coaching and Counseling: Two Roads Home
Healing and growth are distinct, essential facets of self-transformation.
Coaching identifies your North Star. It helps you name the vision for your life and take small, strategic steps toward becoming the version of yourself you want to be.
Counseling removes the debris. It helps you process the pain, unpack the beliefs, and clear the roadblocks that keep you stuck.
Put simply:
Coaching defines your path and guides you forward.
Counseling clears the road.
When you integrate both, something powerful happens. You don’t just heal the past—you create a new future. One where agency, confidence, and self-esteem aren’t just buzzwords… they’re yours.
The woman I’ve become is not the fragile two-year-old on the floor.
She’s not the people-pleasing girl who kept the peace.
She’s not the woman who married to feel protected.
She is me—whole, grounded, and powerful.
And if you’ve abandoned yourself, you can become like her, too.
If you’re ready to start showing up for yourself, we’d love to help. Complete this form to book a free discovery call. Start discovering who you are when your mind and body feel safe, free, and in balance.
